anxiety · depression · mental health · mental illness · social anxiety · The Blogger · The Journey

Enemy is Winning

I’m sitting here in my room on a Saturday with fifteen minutes till 5pm. but the sun is already gone the gloomy clouds are taking over it’ll be pitch back by five-thirty I’ve always hated when the clocks changed yeah we get an extra hour of sleep in the morning but our daylight gets cut short.

anyway.

Update: I feel lost and lonely.

LONELY: How is it that a person that would rather be alone than most and feels comfort in it also feels lonely? its a crazy  concept I still haven’t figured out and it drives me crazy honestly.

LOST: So here is where I am at with my anxiety/social anxiety I’ve been seeing a physiologist whom I really love she makes me a believer that I’m going to be alright not soon but I’ll get there but I have to put my part. She explained to me that there really is no explanation as to why I developed anxiety sometimes you’re just born with it like many other things that you could be born with, it made sense because I’ve never been through something dramatic or traumatic in my life for me to be or feel this way.

Which leads me to the lost part.

I just feel so lost lately which causes me to feel depress because as hard as I’m trying the damn voice of the enemy called anxiety doesn’t leave me alone. I put all this energy in being positive that it drains me completely that by 8 o’clock I’m ready for bed.

I’m stressed out that my birthday is coming up in Jan. and I’m still stuck in this place I’m going to be another year older with another year won by my enemies.

I conquer submitting job applications then when finally getting a call back for an interview what happens my anxiety wins. . . .I can’t feel proud of myself because even though I’m taking steps forward I take like ten back as well, I hate the thoughts I get, I hate that I’m in my twenties and can’t do the normal shit in life.

I’m lost that I’m seeing everyone seem happy and here I am.

I’m lost that I don’t want to be that depressing person but I am, literally. I’m lost because I’m selfishly sad that my sister and best friend is moving away to build her life with the love of her life. I’m lost because this isn’t a phase is my life its my reality.

I’m lonely and lost because I’m tired of pretending I’m fine just because I’m seeing the right doctors and taking medication and I still don’t feel like I’m winning. It sucks when you get the feeling of thinking you’re just alone even while surrounded by a lot of people.

Just having a hard time a big bump in the road that is my life.

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Enemy is Winning

  1. Sounds like you are going through a rough time. But it also sounds like you have some hope. And as for your birthday – another year older is another year wiser! It’s okay to have tough days!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words!!

      I am having a rough time but I’m getting through it – I’m actually feeling a little better now- I know I should feel lucky that I don’t go into a very dark place like maybe others do.

      Birthdays are always tough after the age of 25 I heard lol its like please make time stop! :’D

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