Ever since I can remember I’ve never seen my parents embrace or kiss basically show any type of affection they grew up in a different time and in a different country up until their early twenties. For them is a way of showing respect so I grew up thinking its normal in families to not hug one another or say I love you when ever you see each other or when saying goodbye.
I’m bringing this up because as I laid in my bed last night not being able to fall asleep quickly I began to really think as to why sometimes I, myself can’t show affection or receive affection? I just wasn’t brought up to be that way.
I’m in no means trying to blame my parents for my anxiety or depression but in a way I feel like this affected me on not speaking up sooner about the way I’ve felt half my life and dealing with it. I just didn’t think I would get the support I would need because I never got the “don’t worry honey I’m here for you and I love you” speech, you just had to be tough and speaking about feelings was a foreign thing in my house and my dad was always right no matter what.
In therapy they tell me my anxiety isn’t going to go away as quickly as I say “bam” because I let it go on for so long without seeking any type of treatment and I just wish I would’ve had the courage to speak out or the security of knowing I would’ve had that affection and support from my parents when I was younger but it just wasn’t a for sure thing and I was scared and embarrassed and having all that mixed with insecurity and no reassurance made me hide and conceal it even more.
Its a pattern that I want to break.
It’s already breaking with my siblings and I a bit, but also with the birth of my nephews and niece with them the affection is open they get hugged everyday and the I love you’s are endless something I know my siblings and I would’ve loved from our parents growing up.
We knew and know they love us they showed and show it in many different ways except with affection and words. Apart from trying to defeat my anxiety and depression I also want to become a better person when it comes to showing emotions and affection.
I hate the fact that I can’t express myself so openly and I just hold everything in till I’m alone. I hate the fact that I can’t cry in front of others maybe sometimes that’s a good thing but I also don’t think its healthy because then all you are left with is a bottle of emotions and people labeling you as a strong person when in reality you are weak half the time. I hate that I don’t know how to comfort another person when they are crying in front of me because I get uncomfortable and I hate that I find it awkward when spontaneously there is a hug between my parents and I.
You learn everything from your parents growing up but it doesn’t mean you have to be like them and they aren’t always right and its okay to voice your opinion and its okay to randomly hug a person you care about and its beautiful to tell someone you love them just because you do.
Once you’re out in the real world you don’t have to continue a cycle that you aren’t happy with, that is the beauty of growing up and life you can change it in many ways that make you happy.