What a December it has been for me it started of with me feeling so festive and just looking forward to Christmas and the new year but the plot twist of life always comes and it seems it always throws it at the ones that are already feeling down, low just sad about life in general.
If you’ve read my previous post you’d know I’ve been struggling in coping with the fact that my dad had to stay at the hospital because he got really sick, it all psychically and emotionally drained me because I just felt like it was my fault for not being able to be a better daughter to him because of my own struggles because I’m broken and haven’t yet been able to heal. It was two damn weeks of doctors, three surgeries going from good news then bad news then back to just okay news until all we were left with was our hope and faith.
I hated walking into that hospital I finally understand when people say they hate hospitals and the way they smell, every morning at 8a.m I was there with my dad and every day on the way up to the second floor I had to take deep breaths “in and out” in order to control my anxiety and hide it from him because I didn’t want to bring more to the table than the one we were already dealing with, I would sit there just looking at him hearing the beeping sounds of machines wishing I could just be able to run away and hide!
To make matters worst on one of the worst nights when he had to get emergency surgery the patient staying across his hospital room past away and while we were waiting for my dad to come out of surgery all we were able to hear were that persons family members crying and weeping their sadness just adding more to the sick and worry feelings we were all experiencing.
All I kept wishing was for him to get better and finally have him home! no more hospital and no more walking that long hallway to his hospital room I just wanted him HOME! and he finally is he got discharged yesterday night.
Here comes a plot twist again
I was so ready for him to come home but when they finally told us he was I got an anxiety attack I started to panic already thinking of everything that could go wrong here at home as he continues to recover. It’s like all my hope an faith worked but now I’m scared shitless and been feeling anxiety since yesterday night till right now as I’m typing this…….it just comes to show how messed up and mind tiring it is when you have anxiety and depression and I think for the first time since I’ve brought it out to light to my family about my struggles they finally have seen it what it does to me and how just because I don’t look ill on the outside I am struggling on the inside.