If you’re reading this I hope you had a beautiful Christmas eve and an even more joist Christmas day, or just basically a wonderful Holiday break this time of year has always been my favorite.
Except this year for me has been by far the most difficult one I’ve had since the time my mom got cancer when I was fifteen years old. If you follow my blog you may know that my dad got really sick and was in the hospital it brought out the worst anxiety and depression in me that I’ve never felt before. I just felt like the worst daughter like if maybe if I wasn’t dealing with my own struggles he wouldn’t be going through what he was going through I had multiple breakdowns but kept it together for his sake, him being the good man he is never looked at me with blame even though that’s all I felt like I was to blame. I turned to faith and hope and after surgerie(s) he got released he was only home for three days before the “Plot Twist” came back with a vengeance. I remember the day he got discharged I got this overwhelming feeling of anxiety swore through me all I wanted was him home and well and in time for Christmas but at that moment I got scared shitless because I didn’t want anything to go wrong again.
Well like I said “Plot Twist” he had to be readmitted to the hospital three days later because the infection came back and was taking over his foot and the worst news came he would have to have half his foot amputated. This is a man that has worked everyday of his life, a man that loves to garden and take care of his pet birds and always just very active can never sit still and do nothing, a man that had never been a patient at a hospital before in his life. I cried and the blame and guilt took over me again all I wanted was for this to be a nightmare that I just couldn’t wake up from.
All the progress I feel I had made with my depression and specially my anxiety/social anxiety seems to have disappeared I feel like I’m back to square one and I’m back to concealing it from my family cause I don’t want to cause anymore trouble or burdens.
The only good thing is my dad had a successful operation and he is still “fairly young and a very strong man with amazing upper strength” the Doctors words; so he isn’t having trouble using his walker and getting around walking with his one leg till he goes to therapy and then he gets his prosthetic leg but its just hard to see him like that and we all don’t want him to get depress so we’re always there for him and as much as you don’t want to feel a certain way it does get overwhelming, specially to me.
He has been in the hospital what feels like all of December and he had to spend Christmas Eve and today there as well…..so that was my Christmas eve and Christmas spending it with my dad in the hospital that I have grown to despise along with its chemical smell and really nice nurses and Doctors that I just don’t want to see anymore.
It has really been a test not only for myself but for my whole family in general.
All I know is that this coming year I’m going to have to go back to square one and work on myself extra hard because this month has broken me down and I want to be healthy enough to help my dad through this life changing situation.
I just can’t wait for it to be this time next year and hopefully a much more happy and joist Merry Christmas Eve and Christmas Day!