anxiety · depression · Life Topics · mental health · mental illness · quotes · social anxiety · The Blogger · The Journey

Pretend?

This week I had the most intense therapy session by far and I wasn’t even expecting it. I went in for my normal session this week feeling a what I thought was a little bit more at ease but then coming to the realization that I have a lot of hidden deep emotions inside me that I pretend aren’t there for the sake of not remembering bad memories from my childhood.

I realized that in order to change some of my coping mechanisms I need to face these hidden emotions head on or else they will always be there weighing on me like a bag of bricks.

For me a saying out loud that my parents, specially my father wasn’t or isn’t or just that he never learned how to comfort or show me any affection growing up out loud is a big no, no…I just feel like if I talk about it out loud I’m accusing him of being a bad person or parent which I don’t think that at all. (should I?)

Once I got talking about it I couldn’t stop and next thing I know there were tears rushing down my face because I know now why I kept my fears, insecurities and struggles to myself while growing up because I just didn’t think or more like I knew I just wouldn’t get that support I’d need because I never did.

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5 thoughts on “Pretend?

  1. You say that this was hard for you to talk about, it must have been difficult to write it down and share it too. Writing has certainly helped me and I hope by doing so you’ll feel a little better as well. However painful it is to experience it is always beneficial to discover the source of our discomfort, now we plan a better response 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right it was difficult to write down as well but like you said I found that writing down my feelings has helped me out a lot and I’ve taken this blog to be my journal. Talking about this topic has always made me feel like if I did I would come out as an unappreciated kid that even when I did I found myself reassuring the person and myself by saying “but he is a great dad”. Thanks for your lovely comment 💛

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  2. It’s completely all right to acknowledge that how your father treated you in childhood affected you as you grew up and into adulthood. You can acknowledge it happened without blaming him. I have similar memories with my own parents, where they did things that I was affected by in a negative way and stayed with me as an imprint into adulthood. The thing I learned to be aware of is even though I was affected negatively by their behavior in some of these circumstances, I realized they didn’t act the way they did on purpose or with knowledge that they were hurting me. My parents aren’t perfect, but I understand now they did the best they could for me, being that they were basically taking a shot in the dark with parenting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. yeah I get you completely, I just have a hard time accepting that maybe that’s where the root of my anxiety/social anxiety began because like I said I don’t want to make it seem like I’m blaming him. I love my parents but like you said mine aren’t perfect either specially my father so I just need to reassure myself it isn’t a bad thing to come to terms of realization on certain things. Thanks! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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