I spend a lot of time at home and because of that I’m more like a second mom to my sisters kids than an aunt and I’m not complaining those two boys and girl make my days a bit happier and brighter when they are really grey.
Today I was on full on mode of you can say “aunt of the year” with volunteering to give my niece her bath and having a little girl time with her wanting me to paint her nails pink like mine, she’s the cutest. Then I tagged a long with my sister on her school run to pick up the boys.
For some reason when we got home I went into my dark side, and I don’t mean that in a cool bad ass way but more like the depression and anxiety decided it was time to suck me in because they’ve had left me alone for too long today and this week actually besides yesterday.
Then I got to thinking as to why exactly at this moment..?..then I remembered that during the wait outside my nephews school my mind decided to drift and I got into deep thinking.
There is no hiding that I dream of having a family of my own one day that’s what I’m most looking forward too in the future it’s just something I’ve always dreamed of since I was a little girl. Not being able to become a mother one day is one of my worst fears in life.
As I sat in the car watching people pick up their children from school and even looking over at my sister and thinking how fortunate they are I began to wonder if I’m even going to be cut out for the job of motherhood? marriage?
See right now the future scares me because I’m still not where I want to be in regards to a job or going back to school for a degree, basically my independence. Which is what I’m working hard at the most but I still get my set backs because of what I deal with and I hate admitting this because I don’t want to sound whinny or for people to think I just don’t do it because I’m lazy.
The future….my future is so unclear right now and I know I’m not the only one that is dealing with this but you know how that goes it always feels like you are.
If I’m having such a hard time finding my way through adulthood and happiness because of the dark clouds that have invaded and taking home in my mind, can I even tackle being somebodies partner in life? how do I even find that person if I’m so caught up in my own self at the moment what about if they can’t deal with me? and most of all motherhood? am I even good enough to be responsible for another human being?
I know many say just live in the now and don’t stress about the future but how the hell can you not?! When the future is what’s coming and you have to make sure you’re prepared!
IT IS TERRIFYING!