anxiety · depression · Life Topics · mental health · mental illness · social anxiety · The Blogger · The Journey

The Things I Don’t Say

Although I’ve opened up about my anxiety/social anxiety/depression to some I still feel like I have it kept inside a locked box branded with the words

“Things I’ll never say out loud”

but given that I use my blog as my personal journal I thought I’d write down the feelings or thoughts I never say because I still feel insecure, they’re really irrational and because I’m still ashamed and afraid that I’ll get judged or simply I just don’t feel comfortable sharing in person. Maybe in some way putting them out there this way will free them from my box that is store up in my mind.

  • I’m afraid I’m gong to end up alone.
  • I pretend that I’m fine but I actually hate that I’ve missed out on so much.
  • When I’m upset it usually comes off as anger, I don’t mean to be mean but its the only way I can cope with myself at that moment.
  • am I even worth loving?
  • I don’t think I’m beautiful.
  • Why do I even put effort in myself I always end up getting nowhere!
  • Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like if I didn’t exist and actually make up scenarios in my head and eighty-percent of the time in that fantasy world the people that I love seem much happier without me in it. 
  • I try so hard to be positive and see the glass half full, I really do!
  • music lyrics and quotes really help me they really do!
  • I have nothing to offer who the hell is going to want me?
  • I’m sorry I can’t be there for you as much as I wish I could.
  • I know I can do it but I just simply can’t because the person stopping me is myself I wish you would get it!
  • I literally hate myself sometimes.
  • Being alone is really calming for me but I hate feeling lonely.
  • I cry more than you think.
  • I’m sensitive even if it looks like I’m so strong all the time.
  • It feels like time is moving fast around me but I’m always frozen in place.
  • How can you even say you’re proud of me?
  • At this point in my life I thought I’d already be a mother or married.
  • I’m happy for you I am to the point I wish I was you instead of me!
  • sorry mom and dad.
  • dying young doesn’t scare me anymore.
  • yeah, I feel worthless ninety-percent of the time.
  • It’s like god is punishing me for something I did?
  • Maybe I don’t believe in god anymore….
  • Maybe I am just lazy and making excuses……No! its the voices in my head that do this to me I can’t control them they consume me daily my unwanted best friends anxiety/depression.
  • When I pick up my meds at the pharmacy I feel so damn judged I literally can’t look them in the the eye sometimes.
  • Don’t fucking tell me to relax!
  • Maybe I’m just not cut out for this life.
  • Why am I even here?
  • The only thing that keeps me going is having hope that happiness does exist, I’ve seen it.
  • Dad sometimes I blame you!
  • Brother, I love you I’m sorry for not telling you enough.
  • Sleeping is the only time when I feel one-hundred percent okay.
  • The Future, yeah that bitch scares the crap out of me its like its out to get me reminding me that its coming and I’m definitely not ready for it and its going to swallow me whole!
And the list could go on forever………….
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