anxiety · depression · Life Topics · mental health · mental illness · music · quotes · social anxiety · The Blogger · The Journey

My Mind The Weapon, My Thoughts The Bullets

I’ve lived with social anxiety/anxiety for most of my life so in a sense I’ve learned to live with it and by living with it I mean keeping it a secret and developing my own coping mechanisms when it came down to it.

As I’ve gotten older and I shared enough as to where I finally went and got help for it and I realize it wasn’t going to be just a snap of fingers from a professional for me to overcome my insecurities and of course mental health issues. (though I still wish till this day it were that easy.)

I think by me realizing this it made me develop a bit more of depression. For me like I said, anxiety has been with me through most or not all of the phases of my life but depression hasn’t it developed and started to feel it more frequently as I entered my twenties so as of now its gotten worst.

One of the traits social anxiety got me is me needing to be in control of every situation I’m am or going to be in so with depression I hate that I can’t control it!

This has been the topic of every session I’ve had in the last month or so that I can’t freaking control it when it hits me and its been hitting me hard if you follow me you can probably tell by my recent post.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping……When I wake up in the mornings I’m already tired……I don’t want to get up…….I don’t have motivation for a lot things……and its getting harder and harder for me to stay positive when my mind is constantly foggy and i feel like I’m stuck in a gray cloudy rainstorm that’s about to erupt but never comes and washes away.

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The migraines I use to get as I teenager have come back I actually went to sleep last night before ten p.m and when I woke up this morning I still felt so damn tired and my mood has faltered to the point where everyone just gets on my nerves for every little thing they say or do because I hate that as much as they try they can’t seem to understand why I have to feel this way and honestly them trying makes it worst.

I don’t even get myself.

Then this gets me into thinking bad shitty thoughts about me ending up alone for the rest of my life because I brought it upon myself because I can’t control my damn emotions and then adding my good friend anxiety its like where the heck do I turn?

There is so much that I can do and I know it but I can’t bring myself to do it. Then the other thoughts start to pour like am I the cause of my own flaws because I’m not trying enough? am I making excuses? am I using how I feel to my benefit?

shitty, shitty, shitty thoughts.

They shoot down my vibe, wound up my day with worthless words that are the bullets then make me feel dead.

I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What’s fucked up and every thing’s all right
Check my vital signs to know I’m still alive
And I walk alone

and I won’t apologize for my post not being so happy/positive lately I won’t fake it just to seem some way, this is real life and people go through things.

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2 thoughts on “My Mind The Weapon, My Thoughts The Bullets

  1. Agh, I’m so sorry to hear you’re dealing with depression right now. It’s seriously the worst and it sounds like it’s hitting you pretty hard. It’s awesome you’re being so open about how you feel though, forget forcing yourself to be and feel positive when everything feels really bad. Faking it never solves anything, you’re right on ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Though I’m not alone with this it definitely feels that way so I’m always happy when I get a sense of reassurance that what I’m feeling is normal even though its an illness if you get what I’m saying? and yes faking happiness won’t get me the happiness I crave so I won’t ever do that. This is my journal in a way and I’m glad I did it in order for me to release my emotions/feelings and for people to relate to me or just give positive feed back means a lot! ♡

      Liked by 1 person

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