Hey you that’s reading this I hope you’re having a good Saturday or Sunday depending in where you are at this moment in time. I’m having an okay one I’m actually sitting in front of my laptop and writing this post with no rush, I say this because lately I have been updating my blog through my phone because blog post just come to me randomly and I need to post them as soon as they come before I forget. Today is different though because I did get an urge to update but I wanted to do it calm and collective without rushing and making sure I type out exactly what I’m trying to say without missing something important.
That’s the main topic of my blog post hence the title. Honestly I don’t know why it took me so long to write a post about it when its a big part of my life and journey in general. Hiding is a constant thing I also battle, because for most of my life that’s what I’ve done I’ve hidden behind a lot of thing to not be too expose to the reality I didn’t want to face and let others know about me.
In school I use to hide behind dark clothes, baggy sweaters and wanting everyone to know I was just that quiet shy girl that did her work and smiled occasionally when she needed too and who was part of that friend group at lunch and walking the hallways with them but hiding behind that one friend or two that were the most confident so she wouldn’t be notice, invisible was always her aim.
Friends, the ones I do have I’ve hidden so much from them I don’t even know why they still bother to keep in touch.
In family gatherings I felt the most comfortable but I still hid how you may ask? Is something I still do now I’m always the one that ask how are you doing? what have you been up too? how’s work? I love your car? tell me about your boyfriend? girlfriend? and more importantly I let them talk listen carefully to everything they say and catch up on life (their life) and let them ask for advice and I’m more than happy to help. Why do I do this? because its my way of hiding away myself I don’t want them to ask me all that stuff? because honestly I have nothing going on there’s no excitement and I don’t want to get reminded how low I feel so listening to them although it gets to me that they are having a much better time than me it helps me escape my reality I’m not going to be “well you know social anxiety? you don’t? let me tell you…….yeah its fucked up and that’s what I deal with ……oh and don’t get me started with the depression that has taken over…..yeah I take meds……I spend most of time at home or visiting my therapist and going to see my psychiatrist since he is the one that gives me the meds” as you can see I’m still not sure I can say all that out loud it scares the shit out of me and I will feel so expose and the window I have shut will be opened for the judgement I feel I will receive.
I don’t hide from my sisters, I don’t hide from my brother and I don’t hide from my parents, okay maybe sometimes I do I hide behind the smile I put on when I’m feeling really sad for no reason other than I just do. I hide behind those times they ask me to go with them somewhere and my anxiety is making me dizzy but I still agree to go so they won’t judge me and think I’m just being lazy. I hide when I have to go and make a bunch of phone calls for my dad and I pretend I’m okay even though my social anxiety is making me feel like my heart is about to burst through my chest. I hide when they make me feel bad when they try and make it all better by saying “we’re all feeling stressed out” “I get it I don’t want to do that either but I am” I hide when I cry.
I hide when all I’m thinking about is how would life be if I didn’t exist.
Basically I found what I do best, I’m the best at hiding myself from the world around me.