Life Topics · The Blogger · The Journey

Parents.

Is it common for parents to think that you just forget about their past mistakes? or that you don’t remember that one time where they weren’t great? or to not think that maybe you don’t want to be like them?

I feel like they expect us to not bring it up or simply just “forget it” because they are the parent and you are the child even as adults I feel like they still think they have that power over you and the memories you want to bring up but never do or the things they think you’ve forgotten because they are never brought up again.

I’m always open and honest and I’ve made post about my father how I love him dearly and how I was going crazy when he got really sick last year and had to get his leg amputated. That’s the thing I love my dad he is not a bad guy but he is tough though and very hard to please and satisfy.

I remember growing up my father being calm and nice we would have moments of going out in peace and happiness while he took us places other kids around my neighborhood couldn’t go, places their parents couldn’t afford to take them example: Disneyland or downtown Disney and watching the water color show every other weekend. This memory is one I never forget whenever someone ask me something special about my childhood I always bring up something related to Disney. Anyway where I’m getting with this is although we had these moments I also remember him going from a good mood to angry in one-point-two seconds and now that I think about it it use to scare the crap out of me.

Keep in mind I am the youngest of my siblings my eldest sister is ten years older than me and the other eight so my brother and I are the closest in age being only three and half years apart. So I remember being a kid and my sisters already being teenagers and how angry my father would get when they would do things he didn’t approve off and how verbal abuse became a normality in my household. When he and my mother would have an argument he would use the same technique as I grew older I would think how come no one ever tells him to shut up or that its wrong for him to talk to any of us that way and by no one I mean my mom, but just like us it became a normal to her as well and when I think about it that’s just sad.

When you sit back and really begin to think of things you simply taught  yourself not to remember or they taught you not to remember little pieces of those memories come to light when something in our brain gets triggered with a memory because of a certain smell, a certain place or just a certain situation. I don’t want to get too deep but I’ll give a little clue: sometimes it was more than verbal.

Now that I’m an adult I understand it a bit more and now that none of us are children or teenagers (my siblings and I) we don’t let him get away with him talking down to us or just agreeing with him whenever we don’t share the same opinion as him which of course he hates. I’ve learned that’s his way of having control or the upper hand in any situation.

Growing up with a father like my own it thought me how I should never let a man treat me and most of all never let them call me names out of my own.

Like I said my father is a good man but a man with anger issues that he will never admit to having.

Him and my mom have been married for almost thirty-nine years now and there are things that I admire about their marriage like him always being there for her when my mother got breast cancer those two times. I admire that he never left us or gave up when things got hard many men do and I cherish those memories of fun times at Disneyland where I spend many birthdays and him buying us churros while we sat watching the beautiful colorful water dance in front of us by the Disney hotel in downtown Disney. Him working three jobs at a time without complaining and my mother doing the same just for the sake of us having a good home over our heads.

You see those memories are forever and we don’t let them get tainted by the bad ones which I think is what he does best, just like his father.

He doesn’t like to think that maybe his anger issues has potentially hurt one of his children.

He doesn’t like to think that those memories kept in the shade are not forgotten and yes he did do that.

He doesn’t like to think that sometimes certain curse words make our blood boil because he would use it towards us to bring us down in times when we felt small around him.

He doesn’t like to think that we don’t ever want to be like him as a parent to our children.

He is a good man but with many flaws and anger and I just know my brother is going to be a better man thanks to him, that’s one thing I hope he knows.

p.s

This post was suppose to be way different than what it became I guess I just needed to let that out.

(share your thoughts down below I would highly appreciate hearing from you guys)

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2 thoughts on “Parents.

  1. Oh my gosh I can relate to this so much! I also have a dad who’s a great man, but struggles with anger issues. He doesn’t realize this, though- he even brags about how much of a calm person he is. My dad has hurt me so many times with his words and anger, but when I try to talk to him about it now, he denies having done anything I tell him he did and tells me that I need to forgive and forget. He also claims that I’m over emotional or am “thinking the wrong way”. I’ve struggled to forgive him, as his anger that he will never admit he has created lasting impacts on my self-esteem and self-confidence. Nevertheless, I still love him, and I know that his anger isn’t his fault. Thank you so much for sharing this; I really needed to hear from someone a bit like me. Much love! xoxo, c.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love hearing from someone that can relate to me as well! Thank you for trusting me and letting me know as well I find it quiet hard to admit this because I feel like I’m talking bad about him but I guess is that sense of respect that I have towards him as my dad. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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