Well isn’t that title joyful? I literally hate that I’m writing this right now maybe not as much as I’m not liking myself at the moment its funny how you can trick your mind to be happy and to avoid all the problems around you for a bit of time because you know if you think about the situations you’ll come crashing down.
Well that’s what I’ve been doing I’ve been trying to avoid that life is happening around me and that it isn’t changing and that a real struggle is about to happen and I feel absolutely the worst because I’m no help at all.
Bless my brother and his heart and for carrying all the load while trying to understand me but I know deep inside he wishes I was different or maybe that’s just the way I see it because at this time us working together for our family would be really helpful, I literally hate it or more like I hate myself.
Today I finally came crashing down and as we speak my heart is fluttering out of control with that ache of anxiety I’m actin as if nothing is wrong I’ve gone quiet and I feel tingles and cold all over but I’m pretending to just be in a bad mood to not get ask whats wrong?
You see I’m trying so hard, going to therapy, taking my medication, being more open even if its just on here or YouTube but the moment reality hits I feel like I’m back to square one and I’m back to asking why the hell do I have to be like this?!
am I being whinny? am I making excuses?
you reading this if you follow my blog, do you think I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself than actually trying to get better?
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore because the moment when I feel like I’m ready or when they need me to be ready I still can’t and I feel like I’m still a child afraid of the world stuck inside a gray color bubble that only lets me see blurry images of a life I want to have so bad but can’t almost as if it’s mocking me.
How can I help when I still can’t even help myself?
This anxiety still kills it had gone quiet for a bit letting his friend depression have the center stage because it knows I’m not out there conquering but as soon as I try it takes the mic away letting me know it is still here deep in my soul.