I’ve made it my goal, I’ve made it my number one priority and honestly I’m still a mess.
Recent events in my personal life have put a lot of pressure, pressure that in a way I feel like it was set up on me as a test to see how far I’ve gotten. I really don’t feel any different isn’t that sad?
Maybe I haven’t put any effort at all maybe I’ve been fooling myself and I’m still continuing to hide behind these walls that have had me for years and though the chains are lose and I can pull myself away I still don’t because I’m scare because they still own me.
Therapy and Medication have been the only changes in my life and me opening up a bit more here then out there if you get what I mean?
Being positive is so hard when you don’t actually feel it when you can’t fully let go or more like you want too but its still so hard because as soon as you try the intense feeling of that common panic in your mind returns and the ache in your chest is back.
It’s like I do one step example: applying for jobs but then I’m already panicking for what step is coming next and if my phone rings with an unknown local number I freeze and I feel like I’m suffocating so I ignore it knowing probably I’ve just missed an opportunity its the story of my life and yes I know Its so irrational, its so upsetting and I’m not trying to sound like a complete complainer but its fucking unfair!
Why am I like this?! Why am I so afraid of the world?!
I can’t afford to be like this at the moment, do I need another fucking shrink? do I need another fucking psychiatrist to give me some other freaking medication? am I ever going to be I don’t know not me?!
When I look in the mirror I can’t stand seeing the person staring back at me I literally hate her because I can’t see what every one else says they see and I feel like I never will, that’s why I hardly ever do.
I don’t have anything to proof and I don’t have anything to offer, I’m basically just a waste of space with no purpose.
I use to say I would never want to post anything so depressing or whinny or too personal on any type of social media outlet, I use to judge those people before but look at me now huh? It’s crazy, maybe I’m crazy.
sorry for the cursing.)