anxiety · depression · Life Topics · social anxiety · The Blogger · The Journey · things I love

She Is Leaving.

Hey guys here I come with a new blog post basically I have a lot on my mind.

For most of my life making friends wasn’t hard for me and I guess you can say it still isn’t I’ve been told I have this way with my smile that people, strangers feel comfortable with me fast. I wish I felt the same way or saw it that way because all I know is that I become a shy mute the first encounters with strangers or people I don’t really know. Anyway so as a child I had best friends that grew up in the same block as me I had a pretty decent childhood with my shy moments but as I got into my teens making friends in middle school or high school wasn’t never the problem the problem was me keeping them or trying to fit in when I felt anxious all the time and all I really wanted to do was hide myself away as others were trying to get notice I was busy trying to find a way to stay invisible.

This brings me to who are my best friends? The people I run too to tell my problems? or to have a fun good time once in awhile?

They’re all members of my family I’m lucky enough to have cousins my age where we were born the same year or only a couple of years apart they are the people I have fun with and connect though they are family we are more like friends none the less and I don’t feel any sense of anxiety because well I’ve known them all my life or all of theirs.

But besides them the number one constant in my life is my sister. I always felt lucky to not only have her as my sister but my best friends despite our eight year age gap. The last five years I feel we grew closer I had her always and she had me though we are different in so many way she is the person I knew I could run too without a second thought and she is the person I looked up to I mean what little girl doesn’t want to be exactly like her older sister right?

I always admire her bubbly personality how she has many friends, the way she easily can have conversations with anybody she meets and a hard worker, how she always helps our family even if its hard on her she is basically everything I strive to be.

We all have flaws though and her flaw is the person she has choose to love. I feel like such an a**hole even writing it down but it’s true everyone knows it but her. I never believed in love is blind until I saw it through her. I’ve seen this person wreck her since she was eighteen years old coming in and out of her life as he pleased because she let him back in each time.

The last five years before this one it was always my sister and I against the world I was there for her through her bitter days telling her how she deserved better and watching her not give new love an opportunity because like I said he wrecked her. She got better and our bond as sister grew more as well as our friendship. For gosh sakes we even share a room (haha) and then she was there for me as I finally admitted out loud that something wasn’t right she was there for me like I knew she would.

Fast foward to the middle of last year he came back and she accepted him with open arms it took five long years to realize what he has lost multiple times and now she isn’t my sister anymore she isn’t the girl I came to know the last five years, though it sounds silly since she is my sister but when you grow into adulthood the bond with your siblings also changes and you get to know each other in different ways.

Now she is moving out because of him.

is it wrong that I’m angry?

Don’t get me wrong I always knew this day would come where one of us would leave is what we hoped for specially as girls but I can’t help but feel betrayed in a sense.

Not only am I losing my sister to a guy that we all still haven’t even met but I’m losing the only constant I’ve had in my life, my best friend.

She’s leaving and as much as she tries she doesn’t see how blind she is and how much he makes her change because this person is not my sister or my best friend.

I can’t even cry about it its a weird feeling though am I being selfish?

All I know is…

she is leaving.

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