anxiety · depression · social anxiety · The Blogger · The Journey

Open Book

Hello, happy Monday after Easter Sunday if you celebrate it I hope you had a good fun day around friends, family or on your own eating some chocolate eggs the Easter bunny brought 🙂 .

Now that I got my respectful wishes out of the way here comes my little update about my anxiety and depression.

Though I grew up catholic and my family identifies as catholic we really never celebrated Easter Sunday growing up of course I knew and know what it means and about good Friday and ash Wednesday, lent and all that is involve. (I really don’t know why I felt the need to mention this but there you go)

Anyway now that my nephews and niece are in the mix we do have small get togethers here and there and do Easter hunts for them and give them baskets. Yesterday I woke up feeling a bit refreshed I actually woke up in a mood that wasn’t that bad and got ready early. We weren’t suppose to have family over but at the end we actually did which was okay with me since I hadn’t seen my grandpa and aunt in quite a while.

I thought I was having an okay time I hid the eggs for the hunt and I got to dress up my niece in her Easter outfit and give her a cute pedicure (at her request she’s such a princess) her and my nephews bring out the best in me I cannot not be happy when I’m around them.

Everything was fine I helped out with the grill was taking pictures and video for my YouTube channel I never feel uncomfortable around my family that’s until as soon as one of them would get here I would go on and say hello to them with a hug like usual and they would all tell me I look different.

Umm different? okay?

I would just smile and say I guess, I mean how do I respond to that?

Honestly it made me feel a bit self-conscience but then it would go away my aunt came over asking if I’m doing okay? I answer yeah of course smiling I’m always smiling and I felt like I was having an okay time. She just looks at me gives me one of those smiles that almost looks sympathetic and nods giving my hand a squeeze,

“your eyes they just look sad”

I was taken back honestly no one has ever said that to me before at least not people I’m close with I always try and be happy. . . .keep in mind that I don’t talk about nor am I open with my issues with the rest of my extended family. Then my sister’s husband joins in and says the same thing that I just seem different.

I don’t know why but at that moment I just felt  like a failure you might be asking why a failure? Well because now I can’t hide it, I can’t hide that I’m not okay that I’m not sad because I am. I try so hard to be that joyful little girl I think  I once was that side of a  girl my family only knows and sees but I guess I haven’t been wrong it’s been getting way harder now a days and the fog keeps winning and now its allowing to show itself which drives me nuts.

Maybe its a good thing but I don’t like being and open book because feeling expose isn’t a great feeling for a person like me and that’s exactly how I’m feeling.

Expose

I asked my sister “do I really look different?”

she looks at me and nods “yeah you just seem sad”

confirmation.

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2 thoughts on “Open Book

  1. I feel you. Sometimes I think I’m good at hiding how bad I feel, but somehow other people pick up on it. I can’t remember the last time I’ve given a genuine smile that is 100% free of any worry or anxiety lingering beneath the surface. I want to be okay for my family’s sake and maybe to give the public impression I’m fine because I don’t want people asking me if I’m okay or what’s going on. I’m pretty private about my issues as well.

    Liked by 1 person

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