I remember the first time I saw my therapist I asked her if my social anxiety/anxiety and depression could have possibly been passed down to me from a family member? from the two that I have seen they both told me possibly but sometimes its not common you can be the first person to have it in your family tree. I identified myself with the last bit because the rest of family seemed “normal” none of them express any type of issues like myself.
That’s until recently that I started to notice that might not be the case. I’ve posted about my father before how I love him and will do anything for him but also how different we are in many ways and things, how some of his actions affected my childhood into adulthood.
Yet I’m writing about him again because after his life changing surgery that put him in a whole new circumstance of living he has been home because he obviously can’t work as of right now and since I’m here I take care of most of his needs it can be tiring and it can be difficult specially when he gets frustrated and I have to deal with it along with dealing with myself.
As you know if you follow my blog social anxiety is my triggering point the type of anxiety that I deal with the most and trying to control but since I’m taking care of a lot of things I’ve had to face some of the fears that it gives me like talking on the phone, scheduling appointments, going to different places with my dad and do all the talking when he can’t explain himself in English as good as he would like (English is his second language). In a way its been good for me but at the same time it gets me really stressed out when I’m having anxiety along with my depression and I can’t just say not today dad because honestly he wouldn’t understand and well doing all that for him makes me feel less useless?.
Which brings me to the title of this post.
Spending all this time with him has made me learn new things about him and one of those things is that my dad also has some social anxiety behavior.
All my life my dad has been a quiet reserve man but now I’m looking at his characteristics a little different like how he gets embarrassed easily and doesn’t like being the center of attention regarding a lot of things. He doesn’t have many friends only his childhood best friend that happens to be my mom’s cousin. In gatherings he is present but after awhile he disappears into his man cave and doesn’t want to be bothered, even when his own family comes to visit he always seems to can’t wait till they leave so he could go and have his alone time.
What I’ve notice recently is that he also gets nervous on the phone he would rather me call or I answer the call in regards to his doctors appointments, insurance information and things like that. Or when it comes to going places to settle an issue he ask my brother if he could go for him instead because although he doesn’t say it he is nervous and overthinking the situation.
All my life I’ve said I never wanted to have my dad’s temper or his way of dealing with a lot of situations and I don’t because we are different very different but here I am figuring out that I am just like him in so many ways and that I got the one thing from him something he would never say or even think of having.
It’s crazy and mind blowing I wish I could talk to him about it and tell him “see when you feel that way? I feel it too but maybe one-hundred times worst”…..maybe then he’ll understand me a little better.
But the one thing he has been able to do that I haven’t is face it, he has grown and has a family and was able to work and come to a totally different country at the age of eighteen.
So different, yet the same.