anxiety · depression · Life Topics · mental health · social anxiety · The Blogger · The Journey

It Got Real

Hello friends I’m back with another update or what I call another doze of my life. I’m taking this back to this past Saturday morning given that I haven’t posted anything in couple of days or so.

Basically what I’ve been talking about and expressing to my family on what I have to deal with on a regular basis without any control came to light at the most random time and place.

Saturday my parents invited myself and my brother out for breakfast something we frequently do together I got up took a shower and got ready to go. Everything was fine I felt fine we drove about twenty-minutes away to a restaurant my dad loves only to find out they had switch owners and its a completely different place. Like any other family we all stated our own opinions on where to go instead (why is it that we always argue on where to go eat?) finally deciding on a place we began to drive back for some reason I started to feel very overwhelmed everyone else was talking but I was quiet literally counting each breath I took.

My brother asked me if I was okay I just nodded and smiled I wish I didn’t.

When we got to the restaurant I realize I was having an anxiety attack a scary one where I need to cry in order for me to feel any better as I sat in the booth waiting to get seated I try to calm myself down, telling myself I could do it but I could feel my eyes getting watery and my hands clammy.

We got seated and I just wanted to prove to myself I could do it that I didn’t need to leave because I never had before I’ve only gotten this type of anxiety attacks at home or when I was working. The hostess gave us our menu food the last thing on my mind I was too busy trying to control my tears and the fast pumping inside my chest till I literally couldn’t.

I heard myself telling my family “I think we need to leave” I made my brother scoot out of the booth and luckily we were by the bathroom I hurried inside and closed myself into a stall and the tears came rushing I wanted to sob but I held them in I needed to be alone in my safe place my room and away from all these strangers knowing people were going to see me this way made me feel even worst I was even embarrassed that this was happening to me in front of my parents and brother.

I took a deep breath grabbed a paper towel and cleaned the tears stains from my cheeks looking at myself in the mirror felt worst my eyes red and honestly looking pale and sad. I don’t’ know how I did it but I avoided everyone’s eyes as I got out of the bathroom told my parents we needed to leave and I just went outside to wait for them by the car

Bless my brother he managed to automatically open the car for me from a distance once inside I broke down like a baby feeling so bad, overwhelmed, sad, embarrassed and a bit ashamed and confused!

There wasn’t a word spoken on the way back to our house except them asking if I was okay now. I don’t know about you guys but I hate it when people try to talk to me when I’m feeling that way when I’m still in the middle the mess being in control of my body so I just nod.

Once home I hurried to my bedroom to be alone I needed to be alone I cried more than I have in a long time or it just always feels like that till finally I was okay again and then I was dealing with the part where I didn’t want to go out and face my family even though I know they aren’t judging me.

When I did though my mom gave me a hug and now they finally understand and saw it with their own eyes without me having to explain all time, they saw it!

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