anxiety · depression · social anxiety · The Blogger · The Journey

Toxic.

I’m a little confuse and fed up with a lot honestly that’s been the story of my life ever since I could actually remember. I spend a lot of time thinking and daydreaming wondering what it wold be like if I just didn’t feel the things I do and was just out there doing a lot of things that I find irrationally scary.

You see even right now writing this those things pop into my head and I literally feel butterflies of nerves in my stomach because it gives me excitement but at the same time I feel the anxiety ready to tell me why I can’t and shouldn’t do it and that always wins, does anyone relate to this feeling?

I’ve been having a really hard time this year more that the last couple I’m guessing it’s because I’m older now and I’m seeing the number 30 more closer than ever and I wish I was in a different path in life.

The thing is I started pushing myself even with the fear and feelings that my buddies anxiety and depression bring along for the ride, uninvited of course. I did my little techniques I’ve come to learn through my psychologist of telling myself that whatever I am thinking aren’t rational thoughts I was feeling a lot of pressure in my personal life regarding helping family and such but at the end things ended up working out a bit without my help immediately I was met with relief and I literally saw myself crawl back into the black cave that is my comfort zone.

I hate this black cave but without it I’m lost because it’s my home.

It’s a toxic love because I know it isn’t good for me but I can’t stand when I’m force to come out of it because the feeling is just too much and too scary I become a walking fear literally feeling like I’m gasping for air if I’m too far out, anxiety attack.

I’m confuse because I want to so badly leave and say I don’t need you anymore but without it my heart starts racing and I want to curl up because I feel so expose. I’m fed up because I know I’m the only one that can choose but my mind and myself are one and we always choose to stay.

I guess if I had to explain my anxiety to someone, I would say just picture it as a first love that turns toxic it’s hard to let go of it even though you hate it because it causes you pain, tears and sadness and even if you tried it has got a hold on you and in a twisted way it has build a comfort-zone where only the two of you feel at ease.

I mean how do you walk away from that?

right now I’m in that comfort-zone watching the time and days go by it’s not a good feeling but I feel safe…….messed up.

 

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2 thoughts on “Toxic.

  1. Describing anxiety as a first love turned toxic is a very fitting analogy. I once compared anxiety to having a life coach that I never asked for but who is always there telling me what to do even if I don’t want to hear it. I really don’t know who I might be without anxiety to guide me along… It truly is like both a security blanket bc I’m so reassured by having it with me but also wrecks havoc on my thoughts and actions even when I don’t need it to dictate what I say or do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It truly is because deep down we know we will be so much better and happier without “it” but it’s scary to think of it gone at the same time because it’s all we’ve ever known. Weird to explain and I’m pretty sure even harder for someone else to understand.

      Liked by 2 people

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