You know I never really thought of myself as an emotional abuse child because sadly I thought it was normal. Saying that sounds so sad I mean if I would read that on someones blog it would make me want to virtually somehow give them a hug because it sounds so sad.
I wrote about this before I think where I describe my father being a great guy and I love him dearly but he has anger issues where his temper goes for zero to three hundred in less than a second.
Growing up there was always fights of the norm that middle class families go through fighting about money, the kids and just bullshit. My dad was the loud one and my mom the quiet one that sat there arguing back but her voice wasn’t heard.
He took the frustration out on us kids sometimes mostly my older siblings but I mean I was there and although I saw it as my norm I knew deep inside even as a kid that this was not something every family went through.
My dad was and still is a great provider a faithful husband and funny at times but not a great listener the I’m always right and you’re wrong type of persona and if you ever try and explain your feelings he somehow makes it about him and gets defensive.
As a kid I would be around for all this and being the youngest while my brother and sisters were out with friends I would be home around for most of it, I use to feel so envious watching them leave with friends while I got stuck hearing the same old arguments and not being able to run away actually I would to my room, which now I see why any room I ever lived in always feel like my security blanket of a space.
Obviously as I got older trying to be heard happened but it only worsen the situation because he mentally made us feel like whatever we did wasn’t good enough and what we have to say is not important and just keep quiet because you’re never going to win.
My dad takes the cake of a prime example of a parent asking you to clean something and you do but once you’re done he points out how you didn’t do it correctly because you didn’t do it his way and his way is the best way.
I think that environment alter me as a kid transitioning into a teenager because through those years all that was still going on and I think it turn me into a quiet one the shy one that never wanted to talk because I might sound stupid and being invisible made more sense. I learned about pretending to be okay early on in life because we always pretended to have not a picture perfect family but just that everything was fine and dad didn’t get heated every damn day.
This is a topic that I always have a hard time expressing or talking about out loud because I love my dad I do though it might sound strange I look up to him in a lot of ways and I’ve even realize I’m so much like him just not the temper part, thank god! I feel like I’m betraying him by saying or thinking about all this.
I don’t like the feeling that he could be a factor in why I develop social anxiety because he is my dad you know? but that could be the case I know that now. He is they type of man that doesn’t think before he speaks or does and doesn’t give a shit how he will make you feel, he still does that to me and although I just pretend like its nothing it makes me rage inside all the while making me feel sad.
You might say why not dish it back to him? Trust me I have but it gets me nowhere I’ve even tried talking to him about it and telling him that yes dad we all remember those fights and arguments that you pretend didn’t happen or that you think we just forgot and all he takes from it is me or us (siblings) accusing him of being a bad father, which he wasn’t.
I feel like I have to say I love my dad once again, but sometimes it’s hard not to look at him and remember all those times where I felt scared, where I felt like I hated him and where I just wish he was a completely different man on the inside.
I know no parent is perfect as well as no child is perfect but there is factors and events and things that alter someone in many ways and some parents don’t get that and its hard when you feel you got the worst of it without even asking for it it’s like why do I have to pay for your mistakes? at least that’s what I want to scream at him sometimes when he is off and not understanding me still. You see I look at him and I do understand why he is the way he is because of the life he grew up with as well my grandpa was no saint and sadly my dad got that end of it.
There is no way I could have a serious conversation with him talking about feelings or events because first of all it would be too weird and second he wouldn’t get it and like I said somehow make it as an attack against him and his character, which in a way it is? but am I wrong?
No wonder we are so detached of showing emotion or affection towards one another because we weren’t brought up that way we know we love each other but its not something that would be said out loud.
Maybe that’s what I needed as a kid hearing an I love you from the first man I ever loved, my father.