Till this day I don’t think people in my life have grasp the fact that for me a simple tense or out of order situation is ten times worst than it is for them. It’s something I struggle so much to deal with. Then having to be told “just relax” and “how you’re feeling, we all are”. I know some of them don’t mean it in a bad way but it just isn’t helping
My anxiety hit a new level last year in December going into February of this year with me having to deal with my dad getting sick and having to go to the hospital it just wasn’t easy for me at all. I had to take on this new role of being a sorta caretaker for him and making a lot of medical decisions and going with him to a lot of appointments, thing is I’m not complaining but it is a lot specially on days when I don’t feel like getting out of bed or dealing with people. I also feel like I owe it to him and my family for being there for me through my struggle.
Fast-forward to to now my dad is a diabetic which resulted in him becoming an amputee that’s where all the doctors appointments come in and making sure his diabetes in under control and just him being taken care off. Apart from that I also help him with insurance, social security information basically all that jazz. Once again I like I said I don’t complain.
I am scared shitless of him getting sick again and having to go to the hospital or worst his stump (amputated leg) becoming infected or irritated. A whole lot of anxiety.
Because of what happened to him I literally hate hospitals with everything in me he practically lived in one for almost two months I hate the way they smell, the way the lighting is how plain they are…..I just hate them.
Wearing a prosthetic leg has is ups and downs this last week I don’t know what he was up too but he ended up irritating his stump and of course we all freaked out took him to the doctor they gave him some antibiotics and scheduled an appointment with his surgeon tomorrow.
Sorry I’m giving the whole play by play its just that I’m an anxiety mess I literally can’t deal right now because if they say he has to go into the hospital or something I don’t think I can even step foot in that place again. I’m sitting here with my chest tight and my stomach full of nerves all the while my mind is just going into that corner of thinking the worst.
I don’t want to cry in front of anybody but I have cried on my own. It’s just a lot on my plate and I really don’t know how to handle all this and I feel like I’m just not being understood at all. At the same time I know that I have to be the brave one because I’m the one that needs to be there.
I’m just going through a sucky situation right now. I have faith always have but I don’t even know who I’m asking the faith and hope from anymore because I’ve lost my sense in who I believe in.