Hello again whoever it is reading this thank you for taking the time it has been a while. I’ve literally got so much on my mind and plate at times that I feel like I’m going crazy but I can’t stop to take a breather or if I do I just want to lay down and take my mind elsewhere if not with music then with a book I use to take that time to come on here and spread a message or let go of my feelings and hopefully feel better.
Lately I feel like I’ve been stuck but not in a bad way, maybe I shouldn’t say stuck more like I’ve been doing okay living in my little bubble of comfort. It should probably make me feel happy and well when I am just watching t.v or using my laptop messaging a friend I do feel okay because I’m not worrying about the stuff I yet need to accomplish.
When I do though that’s when everything starts crashing down because in that slight moment where I suddenly look at myself in the mirror or I think about where I’m actually at I’m back to loathing everything that has to do with me.
I love my comfortable place but I also hate it.
Sometimes I even go to that very dark place where I begin to think that maybe I am making it all up and I just don’t want to succeed or try doing anything because I’m just lazy or not worthy of anything because I’m just not a great person that has those qualities that life just made me, me and I want people to have pity for me. These are the really dark days luckily I know it’s me not being rational at all and I try really hard to pull myself away from there.
I’ve put myself second when I know I can put myself first.
Thing is I still have this overwhelming fear of normalcy I can’t picture myself doing anything, scratch that I do picture myself doing everything I want to do only to get that tight panic in my chest and the thoughts coming to me as whispers to my ears making me picture every scenario I fear happening.
Whenever I feel like I’m taking control of my anxiety a bit and learning what to do when depression strikes suddenly the most powerful of all still keeps winning social anxiety. I have no idea how to make it stop its like why do I have to be afraid of the world?
When I’m with family out and about I’m comfortable, if I have to speak on the phone I’m okay if I’m in a room by myself, having to talk to someone new I’ll be okay if I have a person with me that I’m comfortable with most likely one of my siblings or one of my parents or just someone I’m close with because I use them as my shield.
If I’m alone though I still can’t grasp it, I still fear all those little normal things that no one overthinks about. That no one gets anxiety about that leads to them having a break-down because it’s so overwhelming.
How am I suppose to get a job? How am I suppose to drive? Have a relationship? Be independent? Not feel lonely?
Biggest one of all love myself?
I can smile, I can play and be the best aunt to my nephews and niece, I can help out my father in every way possible, I can be the best sister, I’ll sing to my favorite songs and laugh at my favorite shows and get emotional because of my favorite movies or books, I’ll greet family members with a hug and have conversations. I’ll say I’m okay that everything is going good. Be in that comfortable place that doesn’t exist.
I went and got help with medication, I haven’t seen my therapist because I’m even afraid of letting her down because I haven’t really done any drastic improvements.
I’m happy but every time I look in the mirror or think about “me” I know it’s all just pretend.
I don’t even care about happiness, I just want to be able to be proud of who I am.